late night

Well cannot sleep again. my childhood memory's haunt me like a ghost. My brain appears to project images in front of me that i would declare if i did not k now better were real.
If any one has been through a trauma in life. like war. or even a well publicised event say the holocaust or 9/11. It is an established fact that they suffer traumatic stress which comes in many guises.
What if the trauma happens to a child? and it is with them happening nearly every day for years. Does that make more or less of a trauma?

If you are pysically injured there is something to see. something to work on. take a broken back for instance
If you needed extessive opperations to try to make you whole should you say no if there is hope you may be able to funtion half way normal. and after each op would you need to recover and rest before the next.
Why does sociity not see a broken mind in the same way.
ah yes because they cannot see it but it is still there we have no control on making it work proberly as we do on other broken parts of our body. It will not work properly. its been broken so growth is deformed if there is a chance for help should we not take it.

 if it happens, as to me in the formative years how are we suppose to know what is normal or not.
from school age to teenage years we learn how relationships work, about love. the way the world behaves don't we?
How are we supposed to survive with mind intact when it has been twisted and programed for the soul purpose of control, so the plaything, which is what i was, can be taken out and used for adults pleasure, whatever or wereever that might be at the time.

I was watching on TV over the weekend how they sifted through the wreckage of the twin towers everything twisted together that had to be sorted through bit by bit looking through the mess to find the so needed pieces.

A moment OK it occurred to me that is a good way to describe my childhood memory's.
among the wreckage of abuse that slammed into me at the age of 5 and did not cease for 7 long years there are so many good things and feelings that need to be found and separated.
like real love for and from my sisterr aunts and uncles and childhood friends.

When we said goodbye to our home and my mothers boyfriend when i was nearly 13years.
we were told to forget!
 in order to do that one has to shut down all thinking ability and live like a robot and live by instinct alone.
The only think you know is that your in pain. all the time and it spills over into every thing until addressed.
So address it all i must. how ever painful to sift the good from the bad.
To relearn how to love, to feel, to think, to assess a situation. Sometimes it is so overwhelming that i do have to shut down to get peace and re cope.
I feel that it is worth it. some may say but while you are doing all this life is passing by.
For me it  has been worth it.
The Love i felt always seemed hollow, empty like i was in a play acting a part. The same if i cried it felt there was a big nothing. i think it can only be described as not knowing how to feel.
Now when i see my grandchildren and think of them the real feeling overwhelms me. the sense of pride in them and my children now feels real. I am conected.
If you cannot feel real love how can you give it and make it felt so for me it has been worth it for the time that it is there, there is still a small ways to go but it has got to be worth it for all i have already gained.